My 10 year old son in a super smart kid and asks a 100,000,000 questions a day tests the highest in his class and he is so bored in class. My 6 year old girl who started school this year K-5 is showing signs of being like her brother and crossing fingers no signs of dyslexia but she asks another 100,000,000 questions too. I love that this are so smart like me and my awesome Husband of 12 years who is my greatest love and help to my life!
I bring them up for this reason. That adds to my brains "clutter" and for me when I get stopped in what I am do at the time two things happen for me! I can not seem to get back in to what I was doing again and or "get side tracked" and or then get upset, mad or feel frustrated what ever the moment is like and fits if you know what I mean. So over the last few years I stopped trying and feel sad or something because in the back of my head I feel what is the point I suck(issue from childhood with mean kids picking on me) and unless... So I "check out" in to TV or the Internet(yes and doing and watching both at the same time) mindlessly searching craft site for ideas. Now it is 4 years of doing this a greater deal of the time and I find my self realizing something. I started to believe the mean kids stuff form my childhood and now since I spent so much of my time "numbing" my brain my husband and everyone around me treat me like I am stupid now. And it hurts so to not over think about this and get sad and mad about it.. I go back to"numbing" my brain and waste more of my life just getting from one day to the next and not really making plans not looking forward to anything a greater deal of the time. And guess what I still end up in the cycle of angry, sadness and just being there but not there at all(if you know what I mean by that) and then my amazing husband starts asking are you ok and saying there is something wrong with you and goes on to tell me how I have been over X amount of time and that makes me feel like shit even more over all because I am already in this "cycle of angry, sadness and just being there but not there at all" I don't realizes at the time why I am doing this and I just end up getting worse and so on I am sure if you are still reading this you ether feel the same way of might know what I mean or even someone like this too.
With that all said I unplugged my brain as of last week out of my TV and set pattern of "numbing" my brain I have set to just get throw the day. I stopped watching tv for the biggest part of the day and trying to put Facebook down too as much as I can and pinterest too I will find my self on them all day and get nothing done at all and then it is time to get my kids and try to get things done that have to be done for the next day. But with unplugged my brain from the things I just talked about I am starting to come out of this brainless fog I have going and I am starting to think again. With me being a over thinking at times I am feeling like I am driving my self a little crazy at times with little stupid $hit but over all I feel better and starting to be able to clear my head and get stuff done. But the hurt part right now is spending so much time in the state I did my body has gotten fat(I have gained 40 pounds over the past 5 years) my mind has not been used to its full potential so I feel like I did in school when they first realized I was A.D.D. and Dyslexic in first grade. And to top it off like 100,000,000,000 of other people who did not have or know what it is like to live with this problem/ problems I do my awesome husband had no real idea what A.D.D. and Dyslexia is and how it does as you age since he does my live throw it for him self. Like a person who has never lived with of around a people in a wheel chair he has no clue how it all works and with "real" helps me in the long run so he whats in the way he knows how which is not a way all the time that helps me in a positive way for me(I state me because even if he means it in a positive way it does not alway end up positive for me in the end and end up just making the snowballing cycle of angry, sadness and just being there but not there at all worse and he just does not know it or ever meaning to do this I am very sure of) but again when you don't truly understand something and a good deal of the time even when people try to tell people what it is like they just will never get it fully over all.
With this all said again back the my mean point and why I want to make this post.... I am turning 31 yes that is right I am a women telling her real age I goodness right lol! I turn 31 on April 29 of this year(2013) and I have come to this conclusion I can't live this way anymore at all. I can't live just getting from one day to the next wasting my life setting and wishing I can or could do something. I wanted to get to school to doing something with my life to have and find my place in the world of work and be this awesome powder I know I am and can be. But I am so far down the "rabbit whole" as it where I have no idea where to start and what I could even do about it.... and a little more back story here I was put in to resource after I did not pass first grade and they realized I had the issues I have and sadly in the state if TN in high school as of my end of my 9th grade year all resource became uncredited and all my reading, sciences and math in high school after that I have no credited for those things and was told when I had to go talk to the guidance counselor to "talk about collage" and or the AF they had to nerve to tell me it is to hard for you and you should do something easier and on your level looking at what you got here in your records here no good collage would take you and would do you no good hun. Needless to say was floored by this and said nothing to the person and thanked them and walked to the closest girls bathroom and cried for an hour about even so called adult and leaders of a young mind could say that to someone in my place! After that I left the bather room after fixing my face and chocked the feelings down and never told anyone ever until now(not even my husband who I want to high school with and he has no clue ether). I did not let if help me to prove them wrong as I most like should have I let it rule and win and get in my head that they are right I guess. So 12 to 13 years later I feel like shut and stuck...
By the way I have a beautiful family who I LOVE with all of who I am and these feeling have nothing to day with that ever. I would not wish to change anything about them and on second of the amazing life I have with them and everything they have done with and for me! The whole post is about my thoughts and feelings and things I am thinking right now and needing to put it out in to the world and maybe someone could get help from my crazy A.D.D. and Dyslexic ramblings here or in hopes some day I can find my way into finding what my thing and patch is in this big old world.
Thanks for reading this
Tanya Starr Wood!
I leave you with this if you have no idea what Dyslexia is like I felt this and still do a greater part of the time!
What's It Like Being Dyslexic? video watch and list
Good info and something to think about really!
Adults with A.D.D. video Stop and watch and listen
Stop and think about it really!
Adult ADD/ADHD Documentary
later side note I just came out with after thinking about what I posted and found the videos!(about an hour and post posts on different topics later lol).
In my own head I am screaming like everyone else does at me in my life Just be and "act normal", "what is wrong with you" , "get in done" , "shut up and color" , "there is nothing really wrong with you anyway", "your just lazy" , "you don't have A.D.D. and Dyslexia you are like every other person that just does not do something" and so on. The fact is I was diagnosed by a doctor the summer after I did not pass first grade and given meds to help and I took them get up to 6th grade my mom stopped getting them so I went off them that summer and not used them since. I did get thru middle and high school and pass by the skin of my teeth. I am not sure what to do or say I feel like I am spinning my wheels here and no one who really believes me in this and the fact it is real and so on.... So no idea what to do about is I am turning 31 and feel like shut about my self. I feel worthless, useless, and just that mom who is just get thru the day everyday just to get to the next. I don't want to feel this way anymore....
Oh more back story I was tested for everything too the summer I was found to have the learning issues for IQ well I am not trying to show off and say I am smarter than anyone really! My cousin who is 10 months younger and was a strait A+ kid and I got tested the same day in different rooms for IQ and so on he tested out at 145 to 159 range and me with my learning issues and did not pass first grade that school year I tested at 180's. He was so mad and called me stupid to his mom when did not think I could hear and he was upset and could not understand why I did better than him.
So all in all I guess I feel more like most of the time a person stuck in trapped in my own head and can't get out sometime! I feel like I know what the poor person who's bodes don't work well and do what they need them to do and are disabled but there minds are work great it is just there bodies that are not working right. And people treat them like they are lesser than and or just in the way. I said I know what it is like but I still am a out side looking in on that too I guess. But I hear and see people treating them like that and I am feel anger for the people mistreating the differently able people!
So all in all I feel like at the end of this post I person who's stuck in here own mind and body that lets me down in the fact I am so smart and should be able "to do" things but end up like the coyote from looney tunes when the acme safe falls on or other acme things cause him to hurt him self with. When my mind is not able to work hard and being pushed to learn I found my self feeling like I have posted about here!! It does not help when I get treated like I am stupid and crazy ether. Thanks I again for reading on of more of my ramblings. lol and I will say Computer things the MacBook pro I am using and I am typing on have been a god send for the Dyslexia parts things do movie around less but the soft wear and the way it works have help with learning, spelling and reading for me. Might be one of the reason my husband thinks I am nut and not A.D.D. and Dyslexia! lol :-/
No comments:
Post a Comment