Why is it when I want to say something to my husband and I have it right in my head and the way I want to say things the way it "should be" said it comes out all wrong and and we end up fighting over something and we end up in left field somewhere and I have said nothing close to what I started out to said.... And end up more frustrated that when I started and just end up feeling like why do I bother even "trying" in the first place.
My husband is not A.D.D. and even as amazing is his is to me and how much he loves and helps me over all. He drives me up the wall just as much too.
He just does not get it and just "thinks" he know where I am going with something and when I stop for a minute to get my thoughts together(I forget to state wait I am getting my thoughts together mind you) he thinks I am going some where I am not and I just stop what I am really thinking and lose it on him and the "crazy girl" side of my brain takes over. I end up crying and mad and the one that is wrong with everything. So I just end up more up set that before and choke down things because it is "time to move on" and go to bed and something else like that. All in all I am in a state of feeling crazy, stupid, and why do I bother at all most of the time. Then when I stop trying to talk to him and just do what I have to to just get thru the day so I can do it all again the next day to get thru and repeat and so on. He thinks there is something wrong with me like I am sick, I am crazy, once he even told me he thought I was going in the early menopause(WTF!! Right? I was 29 at the time really are you kidding), that I need to see if something is really wrong with me... Well there is it is call him and the way we end up trying to talk about things and I end up feeling wrong all the time because I can't get it together and get my thoughts out clearly the way I want to need to and because my mind moves one differently and slower on somethings I also end up getting told I am "not letting things go and I am keeping on" so again I am the one in the wrong again... and the whole time in my head I am screaming and "yelling stop this" this is not where I want to go with this and I will say it to him and I am the one that just wants to fight and start shit just before bed because I can't go to bed or something like that I can't place word for word right now but I am sure you get it..... I then I say again "No this is not where I want to go with this at all" and he just looks at me like I have three heads or less crazy looking times like he just does not get it it or believe me....
So that cause more issues for me and I have times and days like today! I end up feeling like a very shitty person after a fight I do not or did not want or even mean to start and ended up not getting my quick little "what do you think" thought out at all and just feel like what is the point in even trying. I am a sucky person who is so worthless, useless, A big waste of space on this earth, and end up feeling self hate and then I can tell you I will keep doing somethings that just have to get done in my life like cooking, cleaning, my amazing kids and other day to day things a mom does and try to "just be happy" and what ends up happening is that "just be happy" really ends up I check out from all of the world outside of the things that just get me thru the day to get thru the next and so on and so on to get things off my mind so I can put everything out and I don't go do anything outside of the have to need to get mad and then just got to go do something or I will go nuts!! And what really ends up going on is over all I don't just check out and do this like most people do the a short time for a few day that turn in to months and some cases with me years for me. And it starts the cycle from him of "Then I stop trying to talk to him and just do what I have to to just get thru the day so I can do it all again the next day to get thru and repeat and so on(some time I even just stop trying all together to tell you the truth). He thinks there is something wrong with me.." and this is the main cycle of what happens over the time I have been married and with my amazing husband.
With all of that is say too. I love his so much it hurts and could and would not live with out him ever! He is the love of my life and along with my kids the realized for breathing and getting up in the morning.
But in the times like this I feel like shit and like I am standing here at a crossroads.. I feel like I am a fuck up like I did in school which was the hardest time of my live and hated. So what do I do try to make the improvements to the way I have been acting and doing like hubby ends up (he will tell me he is talking to me but it is more like telling me in my mind like a kid) or do I just check out more... and if I do that hubby gets mad and feels like he is walking around on eggshells and I will say I am feel sorry for him I know it is so hard on him too.
But I am feel at a lose of what to do with my self over any of it really. At the time a great deal of the time in the moment I do not realize all of the things I have put out here in this post. But Right now in this time where I brain has been "unplugged" from a lot of tv and internet mindless checking stuff I do I am at a time I am thinking clearer for the most part and it is like I can see my self from the out out side looking in a little. Mornings have been better for me lately I think the clearest really by the end of the day I am getting tired and the first thing to go is my brain it feels like and after that nothing is coming out right at all... and for me that is about the time of day hubby gets home and things start good for the most part but he has a very highly computer driving technically driven job and he needs to un-wind and I get that I do really. And then I am needing so start dinner, kids are home, time for home work, make sure they get clean and ready for school the next day, I am getting more tired brained(and like my dyslexia for me the A.D.D. gets worse the more tired and or stressed I am and it does not have to be big stress it is the lot of little type adding up that seems to be worse for me) by this time and when hubby is in his un-winding time as I feel he has a right to do and I do understand him needing as well. I take the stress on my self of "doing it all by my self" to give him what he needs and should have at the same time I let it hurt and cause me problems because that is all I know and don't want and feel I should not burden him with anymore that he is already taken on be the only one being on money working and paying for everything as a family unit.
So again with all of that said... I am changing to I different part of my tough train here because I am setting here crying over this because it all really does weight on my heart a lot all at the same time... I need to stop crying so I do not cause my self to get sick on top of everything I have as well asthma by the way and anytime my sinus get a lot of mucus/sinus pressure I end up with ear of sinus infections and a cycle of asthma and sinus related issues..
And sadly like the A.D.D. some people around me in my life are sure that I am just crazy of is all just in my own head and just need to suck it up and that I am need to just get over it and out of the house more "take better care of my self" like I am some pour dumb ass what is not trying to do that at all.
But with that say too. Not where I was trying go with my thoughts ether.... I am just going to start post as I think it and and type it as I go and hope it makes some sense to someone I am so tried of typing out thoughts and deleting them because it is not 100% of even %60 on topic. I lose a lot of my thought that way and feel like what is the point.. For me reading is just FUCKING HARD and as well as typing things out and has not gotten easier at the doctors told me it would as I get older. And all anyone helpful words are "Well oh: You are just going to have to work and try harder then..." like I am sitting here bing lazy with my finger in my ear and as it is I am try really hard.... But REALLY I don't see you ass putting in a 3rd of that so type of effert I have to just "be normal" and you say this to like you understand any of what it is like to have my problems.... Some things are just hard for me and no mater what I do... I do get it everyone has issues a lot like I do in smaller way I am sure and yes as people tell me... We all have this it is normal an so on... the true fact to for me is my brain is not all normal I am really smart and understand more than anyone will ever know.... Deep Breath... to calm down... I will say I work so hard to "just be normal" that no one really one knows all of me I feel and 99% of people see very little of my issues that are my own to deal with... not even my husband realize how much and or what I am really internalizing here to be like everyone else and "just be normal".
One I have been told all of life from birth the following things form doctors, loved ones, people who where are supposed to teach me and or have guidance to help me and the following things have been said to my face:
You are lazy,
You are not trying,
You are stupid,
Why can't you spell that word it is simple(if I could pull in out of my head right now would I be asking you really think about that here... No I am do this to just fuck with you...NOT),
You are crazy,
There is something wrong with you, just be normal(like i want to have the issues and like it or something.. REALLY and you kidding me),
There is nothing wrong with you and get over it,
Just do it and get in over with the only thing wrong with you is in your lazy,
You are not trying,
Stop being stupid(why anyone would ever say this to anyone is beyond me really but yes an adult say this to me as a child this one really hurt to),
A non-said thing that I still get all the time the eye roll and looking at me like I have three head and stupid with I need to ask how do you spell and or could you spell ____ thing for me.(to not show how it really makes me feel I make a joke of blame it in something silly like I am having a day and my brain is fried...),
Why should I have to remind you about this you are a adult and grow up(things slip my mind so much and so bad if I don't do or something thing when I think it.. It is gone for forget and then when I get someone saying this to me... I just act like and say "oh ok sorry haha got busy and forgot and act dumb about it all the way around when I am thinking I am so fucking stupid and when they get mad I ether act like I am stupid or if it is not let go then I start getting short and end up fussing with them),
Grow up,
Act your age you are a grown adult here,
and too many things to recall right now with out letting "it" get to me... and crying about how it hurt or hurts me.
But to be able to get this all out in a post and out of my head because I have choked down/ back this and so much my whole life and just internalizing everything because it is what everyone seems to want me to do when I was a kid so that is how I learned to be and am now... I am just letting it all out how I am thinking it and try to only fix miss spelled works and little typos my brain see and basic grammar is the word I am looking for here(not sure off the top of my head right now ok). I am sure I sound really crazy and I am a little at this point I feel it is like word vomit and if I just stop or hold it in anymore I am going to lose me mind and have a breakdown.. So I am typing this out for me in a rare time of clarity I am in right now and Thank You if you are still reading this lol I am sure it has not one been easy or if anyone will ever understand the post in the first place.
But I think with all of this choked down/ back and just internalizing everything is cause a lot of things staying on my mind, most placed angry and seems to lead to me being in "crazy land" as I call it and with all that like a computer hard drive that gets full of stuff and it can't go any where and so it stays there and operation system starts having problems. That is where I am right now well that is what it feels like anyway.. I will I could tell all of this to my husband but with me when I let things out truly let them out like this they don't weight on my heart and mind anymore and like a bird they are gone in to the sky free. This is one reason I am even on to post it on my blog and not keep it as a draft of just delete it after I am done here typing.
With at said I am turning 31 on 29th of april and my wish for this year of my life is this to just be let people see me for everything that I am good or bad. "let my freak flag fly" as is where.. And be the me out side my head in person that I am inside. I feel the need to "match" and be all me I can't live this way anymore.
I am so tired of feeling like the fuck up and like shit and I tell you it is hard to have a thicker skin when so much you hold in and think and bet you self up so much for everything I thinking that is my biggest problem all in all. It might even be why "I can't keep it together" lately and coming done and having the issue and problems in my life lately. Feel like I can not think strait at all and can't "find a footing" in life and breath some times(lol I have asthma but not like that type lol more like the feeling not like the medical way lol) and I scream so loud in my head I am now deafened in "my minds ears". I feel like just saying fuck life and not getting out of bed.. But I know I can't do this and would never really want to because I know that is now the asker!
I saw I tattoo in pinterest that said this and it is so right too.
Oh and on the that topic a set if word that have been getting me throw lately is this and I want them tattooed in my wrist to help me to not be afraid/ fear my journey of "With at said I am turning 31 on 29th of april and my wish for this year of my life is this to just be let people see me for everything that I am good or bad. "let my freak flag fly" as is where.. And be the me out side my head in person that I am inside. I feel the need to "match" and be all me I can't live this way anymore." I am am on this coming year of live. I want to get where I "feel" I should be in life and in like I am sad for what I did not or could not do for what ever reason there was at the time or just from fear of what ever it is!
The quote is:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.
The tattoo I want is this well one like it but closer and just under my hand.
I feel like all in all it is a good reminder in my wish for journey I want for my self this year! I think I NEED some that is with me for the reason of my life to be a good reminder of fear even the little stupid things I let stop me from doing more than I ever should. I know it will hurt and everything that comes with tattooing something to the skin but this is worth it to me. I want it with all that I am and being I feel I need this reminder more that I know I how to put in to words here.
LOL the end of this one I need to get on with my day now that what is weighting on me today is gone. I feel 100,000,000,000,000 pounds liter lol.
Tanya Starr Wood
PS: Thank You for reading this if you got this far lol and can understand this I am not going back to re-read this or I might just delete it... And I know the trip thru my head and words are not an easy one here. But I again this is not put out there for anyone other than my self and I hope my crazy random ramblings here help someone at least one then it was worth the time to post it even more than just for my self and own piece of mind if you know what I mean. I wish people would realize there words hurt even if they are coming from a place of think of helping and not everyone "fits" in the normal mold in a great % of people and that some people are just different and work and brains are just different and work in a way you will most likely never understand unless you are the same way your self. There is a big difference in how you brain works and no amount is just ____ will help it is talk Attention Deficit Disorder for a reason but it is more that a mind problem physical parts to it and the person or meds can really change and you will still just have to deal with it and will be dealing with the issues one way or a other for there whole life in matter what and no matter how bad they just want to be "normal" and or like "everyone else" like the world tells you should be. Food for thought anyway I think wanted to leave you with that. Please learn to understand something and not ASS-U-ME oh it is ____ and what ever it is. Learn and try to go to people around you with understanding and a open mind in two issues problem of any type and the same.
