Life is craziness

 I hate my ADHD.  Happened for so long... I got depressed 😞 and half lived.  

Bye bye Colorado and on to new work camping place

We are moving on to the new winter work! New state but a place we have been before me for about a week and hubby for almost 3 months.  Happy and sad all at once...

We did get a new to us car and the stuff to tow it behind the RV lights and all.  Changed our what state we are from to Texas.

But on our trip we are taking our time and a getting a few things done. We first stopped at Philmont scout ranch for Garrett to show us what and why. Then off to get texas drivers licenses.  Now on to Grand Canyon and a few others fun places on the way!!

House sold

Yay house is sold and all done!  School testing for the kids is all done too!  Yay work camp and live is all we.have to do now!  Yay

Work place BS

Who needs it right!  Not me for sure.   But it looks like there is a snake in the grass here this person lies....  plans and is trying to get others fired around them... why I ask my self....well that I think is all to try and get there friends here to work...

So this person it toxic for this work place... sadly the boss does not see it lie the snake in the garden of eden that got Adam and Eve to eat the apple this person has the bosses ear and feeds him lies and trying to hurt,ran out and get the others fired.   I hurt how this person is killing this place slowly like a bow snake hateful this person in into I now see rotten from the inside that is something you can't fix ether.  And it will kill this work place if the boss does not stop see what it going on and stop this person. 

I am having a I hate life days

I am having a I hate life type of day and I don't know why.  I was and am in a great mood but I have this feeling out of no where come over me of " god I hate life" not I hate my life but I just hate life and why.... my head is all busy and going 1000000000 different ways and none of them are about anything really none of the thoughts are negative at all.  I guess it could be me being overloaded feeling. Do to the ADHD and dyslexic am a over thinker and I get over wlemed easy and I things hard when I mess up and feel like I can do anything right ever.  I hate having these issues wish i was like everyone else I am tired of everything I do be harder.  And sadly I seem to to just be one of the unlike SOB that things blow up in my face or go wrong more often than most people.. I wish to be normal and not fell like I am running in place in mud.  Some day I guess I might feel normal...

Today was the bridge run

Today is the race I told my self I would do and I feel like I felled and a loser.... I can't do it... I still don't feel like running why I felled my self could I suck

Stressing and work

I have been stressing about work... I hate it when I have no idea what to do and it was not help when the person training you does not have a 100% for sure right way to do things them selive and everyone else around you treats you like you should know these and gets fussy with you when you mess up and be one has shown you what to do or how to do something.  And everyone tells you a different way and the tells you then what the other person tell you was and or is wrong and not done that way....   I am tired of this and it is just making me stressed out and hate working again.  I hate it right now and starting to even hate it here.... I hope it gets better soon...

Why do some people grow act like 2 year Olds.

So we are one the youngest people working here.  I am finding most of the people we work with are cool and claim and I like them.  But there is one couple who are acting like 2 year olds and when you doing another thing they don't like and not nice to boot and call the camp Manger like he was daddy to get there way.. and leaving note every where when anyone else steps out of line or does not know something.  Sadly these people are 30 or more years older than me so I have issues with telling them to step off when I should.  I wish they would act their age and not their shoe size.

Feeling on losing the drive to run.. or am I just feeling low?

I lose my want to run... more than lose the drive I should say. Because I do still dream of running and think about it all the time! Just when I think about put on the shoes and going through getting dressed I feel unmotivated to do so I feel like poop for blowing my big goal I really wanted and needed to do to show my self I can do things.  But I guess living in a RV with my hubby and kids and work camping I should not let this stuff bugs me so much.  Because we are doing what is right for the family as a whole here.  Big but I feel like I felled my self here and why keep trying that is all I do... is fell... I got to say I hate ADHD and the ups and downs it comes with.  I feel like all I am good at is F-inf up everything in my path.  And I never meet many of my goals I set for my self ether.  My husband to great he is so loving and tries his best to keep me happy and going he and the kids are a real blessing in my life without them I would not be as well out as I am. 

Running....

I have not felt like running lately.  Mainly because I had a great goal I told my self I would be doing this year my first big race.  It was going to be the Charleston bridge run.  And with everything that happened this year and last year I did not sign up for it.  And it will be the 2 of April and I found my self sadder and sadder and less and less want to run because I am starting to feel why should I keep going there is no point anymore.  I will never get anywhere anyway.  This was my before my next birthday goal. Like every other thing in my life I blow up.  I give up on my self what's the point anyway.  God seems to not even bother trying to help or protect me anyways why sure I care to do things for me really.  Every time a try god seems to do everything in his power to throw down and f-up my life so I have in hope.  I feel like a bug on the shoe of God.

Yes you can bake in a RV

I have had to learn to cook and bake with gas oven and stove!  It is like learning things all over again but I have been doing well.  Yesterday I made monkey bread.  It was yummy too. 

We got a work camping job

Well we got a work camping job yay.   I have not worked in 9 years or so.  I am happy and nervous all at the same time!  It has been years since I have worked.   But we are in TN working at a camp ground and we have a place to stay.   And if the house sells we will be able to live on the pay!  Cross your fingers for the house selling we got any offer the other day. But enjoy a few pics from the trip here from NC.

Stress

I can't seem to not stress about everything and just relax easy when I need to.

I have treating my ADHD with vitamins and minerals my body is low on and using CBD oil to help with other issues as well. My mind is better than it as been in years. 

But stress of the new life we are living right now of not knowing what is next, who, what, when, where and why.  I am not good at this stuff but I know it is all a part of the fact we are selling our house, just getting started in full time RVing and I am not good with new change.  But I look forward to the chance to work on this part of my self but it is hard I will say for me.  

Hey if anyone has tips on how to help with stressing over everything.

I might have find my thing in life!?

In this journey I have been finding that I am falling in love with knife making and blacksmithing.  I find my self dreaming of knife making and my brain is full of 1000's of idea of things I would love to make and learn to make.   

But sadly after the reality of money and so on and the fact hubby is starting to think if something does not change soon he will have to give up knives making him self he said...   And all I can think is when I finely find my thing in life that it slips away from me and I will never get to do it. 

This is how my life seems to go I feel I am not meant to get to do what anything I want to or love in life.  Hubby would give to the world if I ask so that is not the issue here it is more like life makes sure I can't for what ever reason like is like something out there has a ax to grid with me and or hates me for what ever reason.

I pray to God for help and things to workout and it always go the other way and I even prayed once that if there is a God and he really cares about me this said thing will turn out good and in a good way for me and my family and the worst thing happened instead..  so that was the day I learned there is no God and something out there just hates me and wants me to not have the things I want or need in life. 

The only thing I am thankful for in all of this is I have my awesome hubby and kids  thanks for that at least. 

We started our journey.

Hubby is a bladesmith and he is really good but he has more to learn.  We hope in this journey to travel to other knife makers shops to learn from and we plan to work camp and odd jobs and so on to pay the bills.   And we are home school our kids in a online school so we need Internet and they are all good.

We left our backyard about a week a to before Christmas.  We stayed at a friends place that is a ABS Master Smith and we stayed with them until after Christmas.

Then we moved on to another good friends other in NC and we where there for about a week or so and sadly they had some family pass on both side of there family so we decided it was time to move on to let them have their space.  

So luckily we had another in NC as well blade smith friend we where going to see next anyway and we headed that way.  We get there new years day and stayed for just over a week and hubby had a beautiful chopper camp type knife and I get to learn a little on how to grid a knives. 

I am finding my self in love with knife making myself.  I have always loved metal working of all type my mind I never thought it would be something I would be able to do in my life.  

And that friend tell us about a ABS knife club meeting close to a friend's place close to haywood NC so we head that way to make there the day before the meeting.  We find a RV camp site place for about $20 a night we called and got a spot for that night.  And messaged the friend and it turns out that friend had a teaching job that popped up last minute for sure in a different state.  So here we are still in the park until Monday at noon and no where to go for sure.  We will most likely endup staying in a Walmart parking lot do to the fact unless something happens soon money and credit with runout.   We need to ether sell some knives or find a job to hold us over.  

My husand and I have decided to change our lives!

Hubby, I and the kids have been making some big changes to our lives.   We having downsizing everything we our to fit into a 28 feet RV and we are selling house in Charleston SC.  And we are going to travel around for hubby to learn from other knife makers and work camp and find other work as needed to pay bills.   We are homeschooling our kids through a online school as of right now and we plan on going over to more more homeschooling them later if we need more flexibility because as of right now we will have to go back to SC for testing but we can do that at any school in SC.   

Life as it aways is has been crazy!

Every since school got out my kids have been bugging the crap out of one another to drive the other one nuts…  At ages 11 and 7 they are both hard headed so it makes life nuts here for me!  So the summer has not gone as I was hoping it would and plan it too so I am restless needles to say!


I have been waking up at 3:00am and working out by 4am to 6am before my husband leaves for work.  I run about 1 to 3 miles a day for 5 days a week and work on different muscle groups everyday with weights and I feel good..  But about 8am I find my self  SO SO sleepy and when I fall asleep it does throw my day off a bit!


And on top of things I found out that my pawpaw(grandfather) had a massive heart attack on Facebook(on my cousins page) at 4am one morning and that no one know if he would make it through the night….   I did not know anything more until my mom called me at 9am and told me she was so sorry for not calling me sooner and that she did not want to wake me last night.   He did make it through the night but he was without air for 11minutes...  The doctors found his heart is 95% blocked and they can't help him his lungs have fluid on them and he is in a lot of pain.  Long story short he was sent to his nursing home to die and they give him around a month to live.  And the bad part of the whole thing is I live 3 states away….


Plus I got a new to me car and it needs a radiate system and that will be $650 dollars I don't really have.  I did sell my nikon D7000 and lens for the trip for the funeral and right now we don't know if and or when and I am so scared if use the money for the car that is when things will happen if you know what I mean!  :(  Life is always like this for me and it sucks most of the time.  Thank goodness for my awesome husband who keeps me grounded when I get to the place of "chicken little the sky is felling" and he makes things alright again and I am so thankful for this too!


My mom is sick too…  Nothing big thankfully!  My father inlaw is ill as well no one know what is going on with him doctors have be idea..   My best friends mom who is like a mom to me is fighting breast cancer and she is living with my mom and father inlaw because they BFF's.


Then my middle brother inlaw calls us threatening us over not calling one of his kids and say happy birthday and we told his we called him more than 3 times (and we had proof too) he did not pick up the phone and this when went on for 4 hours calling and texting very mean and bad things to us and he was not stopping all over his own stupidness.  He him self was in jail and done more things to those kids than anyone ever has they have seen him do drugs, hit there mom and her hit him back, both go to jail, he threatening them and there mom to kill them all when he was on VERY HIGH ON drugs sitting in front of the front door with a BIG kitchen knife and cops had to come remove him and countless of big things I know he has done to them and others.  Long story short he is an a$$hole all the way around and the problem is everyone else if you ask him.  I am thinking great just what I need..  A$$hole!!

And we find out my hubbies uncle's cancer is back and that it is going to be a lot of heavy treatment and a big surgery…

And very good friend of mine her husband has had cancer for a few years now and have had a hard road with it and been fighting so hard and it is started to look like he is body is getting tired and she found out she had breast cancer as well…  It looks like for now she has won and cancer lost!

This has been my summer so far…  And now my husband has been talking about how much he can't stay at his job and how much that place hates his soul and making him bitter and hate people..  He wants to just walk out…

Then I find out a friend of mine had a small stroke and he is only 39 thankfully he is ok from what he told me.

Me being who I am I FEEL all of this stuff in my heart all at the same time and trying to keep happy and be a good mother to my 11year old and my 7 year old kiddos is hard somedays…  Some days it is all I can do to just not cry and that is it and be happy for my kids and husband…    I feel like everyone I know and care about is sick and worse..  

I have no idea what to do things are in a when it rains it pours time and I am feeling crazy… Thank goodness for working out and running at least slows my mind down and I get a release a bit!

Got a lot on my mind! :(

Today had been fucking crazy!!   I lot a lot of on my mind!!!  This morning my mother in law texted me this morning to let us my father in law who has been having health issuse for about a 2 years now...  I am so sad for him to I love them both so much they are great in law too and they are family to me.   Well back to the story she texts and tells me he is in the hospital since Wednesday because he had a seizure and felt it he needed to get sick(I was told if you feel that way to get him the the hospital because of a herniated esophagus surgery he had and they told her too do so if her ever felt that way)..   And my his loving husband had been super stressed and over worked at work..   So he flipped out of her because she did not tell her sooner and the only fact she did even said anything to us is because my oldest kiddos Birthday is in less than a week from now and she has no way to do anything for him and she felt bad about that and did not want him to feel sad about that and so on.    And she being who she is she has to get the last word and can not sent one text with everything she sent them to hubby's phone for until he said stop and then again to me for over an hour piece by piece and on and on about why she   did what and why to what ever.. I stopped reading them to tell you the truth and stopped letting hubby see them because it was hurting him so much I felt.    And her had to work today as well on a Saturday so he is still at work do to who knows what is going on with things because of a lot maybe going wrong there!  :(  

  So she tried called him after she did hear something about what to going on with my father in law so she called me and I got a ear full and wow is all I can say too.  Sad and no idea what to say or what is going on because still to many unknowns and no real answer ether.  :(


And after talking more my mother in laws best friend who lives with them and is a the mother of my best friend in high school and love her like a second mother too by the way!!  Found out she had Breast  cancer and has her breast removed... And I am still in shock over this that on one told me this and after I gone off the phone I am in a store to buy burgers to cook for dinner I am in line to pay and I start texting my only mother "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MOMMY!"  because I could not remember the last time I told her that and I talk to her all the time but the last week had been busy for each one and I had to talked to her much so I called her and told her what was on my mind too and that love her so much again!  Talked to my daddy too and had a good talk when I was cooked dinner for my kiddos and he is still my daddy and makes me feel good and loved and smile.  I love that guy even if he still falls short because he is human and makes me mad because of the silly dumb things his does sometimes.   But he is and was an awesome dad to me and love him so much.

And with this all said too.  It had been a crazy week most good but crazy and friday was a day that I wish I could have a hold reset for and all in all...  All I can say I got to much on my mind and feeling stressed over everything and I all I can say is I can understand why people drink a lot all in all and become alcoholics!   I am not one that can and or will ever be one but I understand it right now is all I can say.

Feeling alone in a crowded room and I just want to scream and see if anyone can hear me!!!

This whole month as been off for me.  Have trouble keeping things together and getting every things done as well...   And as the month has moved on it has gotten worse and right now I feel alone standing in a crowded room full of people.  I feel like no one understands me and I was born in the wrong time and place.  On a good note over all I have been about to think clearer and joined a gym so I am losing weight as well, healthier as well, stronger and so on.   I feel like I just need out of my own head again....   I do know right now my other half is driving me nuts he just does not get the whole A.D.D. thing and "tries to help" and makes live hell for me and I am so tired of this right now...  So much so I could just scream and half the time to keep the peace I keep things to my self and talk about dumb stuff that is random really and make so since to people someone else sometime!  And my other half makes that worse too but stressing me out about that too.  And telling me to only talk about things that relate to the monument...    Good luck ass hat then I would never talk at all!!!      So I feel alone and sad right now...  Hubby is going thru some stress at work so he is binging some home from work with him and not meaning to passing it to me in him feeling and the way he talks me right now....   I am sure he was not mean to at all but I feel it right now and I feel like shit all the way around right now!  :(  


Hope this new month brings better things for me!  Sadness has to end for me!!

A.D.D. issues over the summer.... With the kids out of school!

As soon as my kids got out of summer we had to take a trip "back home" to see my mom she had surgery soon and I thought the kiddos needed to see her before then because she would not be able to walk for a while again the surgery!  And ever since then I could not get my head in to things....  and some how the big ideas I had for the summer slipped away from me!  I feel like it went by to fast and on top of this... I felt sad and got nothing done!!!    Not sure if it was seeing my mom and then knowing she was going to have surgery and not being there...  I wish I know really...