Life is craziness

 I hate my ADHD.  Happened for so long... I got depressed 😞 and half lived.  

Bye bye Colorado and on to new work camping place

We are moving on to the new winter work! New state but a place we have been before me for about a week and hubby for almost 3 months.  Happy and sad all at once...

We did get a new to us car and the stuff to tow it behind the RV lights and all.  Changed our what state we are from to Texas.

But on our trip we are taking our time and a getting a few things done. We first stopped at Philmont scout ranch for Garrett to show us what and why. Then off to get texas drivers licenses.  Now on to Grand Canyon and a few others fun places on the way!!

House sold

Yay house is sold and all done!  School testing for the kids is all done too!  Yay work camp and live is all we.have to do now!  Yay

Work place BS

Who needs it right!  Not me for sure.   But it looks like there is a snake in the grass here this person lies....  plans and is trying to get others fired around them... why I ask my self....well that I think is all to try and get there friends here to work...

So this person it toxic for this work place... sadly the boss does not see it lie the snake in the garden of eden that got Adam and Eve to eat the apple this person has the bosses ear and feeds him lies and trying to hurt,ran out and get the others fired.   I hurt how this person is killing this place slowly like a bow snake hateful this person in into I now see rotten from the inside that is something you can't fix ether.  And it will kill this work place if the boss does not stop see what it going on and stop this person. 

I am having a I hate life days

I am having a I hate life type of day and I don't know why.  I was and am in a great mood but I have this feeling out of no where come over me of " god I hate life" not I hate my life but I just hate life and why.... my head is all busy and going 1000000000 different ways and none of them are about anything really none of the thoughts are negative at all.  I guess it could be me being overloaded feeling. Do to the ADHD and dyslexic am a over thinker and I get over wlemed easy and I things hard when I mess up and feel like I can do anything right ever.  I hate having these issues wish i was like everyone else I am tired of everything I do be harder.  And sadly I seem to to just be one of the unlike SOB that things blow up in my face or go wrong more often than most people.. I wish to be normal and not fell like I am running in place in mud.  Some day I guess I might feel normal...

Today was the bridge run

Today is the race I told my self I would do and I feel like I felled and a loser.... I can't do it... I still don't feel like running why I felled my self could I suck

Stressing and work

I have been stressing about work... I hate it when I have no idea what to do and it was not help when the person training you does not have a 100% for sure right way to do things them selive and everyone else around you treats you like you should know these and gets fussy with you when you mess up and be one has shown you what to do or how to do something.  And everyone tells you a different way and the tells you then what the other person tell you was and or is wrong and not done that way....   I am tired of this and it is just making me stressed out and hate working again.  I hate it right now and starting to even hate it here.... I hope it gets better soon...

Why do some people grow act like 2 year Olds.

So we are one the youngest people working here.  I am finding most of the people we work with are cool and claim and I like them.  But there is one couple who are acting like 2 year olds and when you doing another thing they don't like and not nice to boot and call the camp Manger like he was daddy to get there way.. and leaving note every where when anyone else steps out of line or does not know something.  Sadly these people are 30 or more years older than me so I have issues with telling them to step off when I should.  I wish they would act their age and not their shoe size.

Feeling on losing the drive to run.. or am I just feeling low?

I lose my want to run... more than lose the drive I should say. Because I do still dream of running and think about it all the time! Just when I think about put on the shoes and going through getting dressed I feel unmotivated to do so I feel like poop for blowing my big goal I really wanted and needed to do to show my self I can do things.  But I guess living in a RV with my hubby and kids and work camping I should not let this stuff bugs me so much.  Because we are doing what is right for the family as a whole here.  Big but I feel like I felled my self here and why keep trying that is all I do... is fell... I got to say I hate ADHD and the ups and downs it comes with.  I feel like all I am good at is F-inf up everything in my path.  And I never meet many of my goals I set for my self ether.  My husband to great he is so loving and tries his best to keep me happy and going he and the kids are a real blessing in my life without them I would not be as well out as I am. 

Running....

I have not felt like running lately.  Mainly because I had a great goal I told my self I would be doing this year my first big race.  It was going to be the Charleston bridge run.  And with everything that happened this year and last year I did not sign up for it.  And it will be the 2 of April and I found my self sadder and sadder and less and less want to run because I am starting to feel why should I keep going there is no point anymore.  I will never get anywhere anyway.  This was my before my next birthday goal. Like every other thing in my life I blow up.  I give up on my self what's the point anyway.  God seems to not even bother trying to help or protect me anyways why sure I care to do things for me really.  Every time a try god seems to do everything in his power to throw down and f-up my life so I have in hope.  I feel like a bug on the shoe of God.

Yes you can bake in a RV

I have had to learn to cook and bake with gas oven and stove!  It is like learning things all over again but I have been doing well.  Yesterday I made monkey bread.  It was yummy too. 

We got a work camping job

Well we got a work camping job yay.   I have not worked in 9 years or so.  I am happy and nervous all at the same time!  It has been years since I have worked.   But we are in TN working at a camp ground and we have a place to stay.   And if the house sells we will be able to live on the pay!  Cross your fingers for the house selling we got any offer the other day. But enjoy a few pics from the trip here from NC.

Stress

I can't seem to not stress about everything and just relax easy when I need to.

I have treating my ADHD with vitamins and minerals my body is low on and using CBD oil to help with other issues as well. My mind is better than it as been in years. 

But stress of the new life we are living right now of not knowing what is next, who, what, when, where and why.  I am not good at this stuff but I know it is all a part of the fact we are selling our house, just getting started in full time RVing and I am not good with new change.  But I look forward to the chance to work on this part of my self but it is hard I will say for me.  

Hey if anyone has tips on how to help with stressing over everything.

I might have find my thing in life!?

In this journey I have been finding that I am falling in love with knife making and blacksmithing.  I find my self dreaming of knife making and my brain is full of 1000's of idea of things I would love to make and learn to make.   

But sadly after the reality of money and so on and the fact hubby is starting to think if something does not change soon he will have to give up knives making him self he said...   And all I can think is when I finely find my thing in life that it slips away from me and I will never get to do it. 

This is how my life seems to go I feel I am not meant to get to do what anything I want to or love in life.  Hubby would give to the world if I ask so that is not the issue here it is more like life makes sure I can't for what ever reason like is like something out there has a ax to grid with me and or hates me for what ever reason.

I pray to God for help and things to workout and it always go the other way and I even prayed once that if there is a God and he really cares about me this said thing will turn out good and in a good way for me and my family and the worst thing happened instead..  so that was the day I learned there is no God and something out there just hates me and wants me to not have the things I want or need in life. 

The only thing I am thankful for in all of this is I have my awesome hubby and kids  thanks for that at least. 

We started our journey.

Hubby is a bladesmith and he is really good but he has more to learn.  We hope in this journey to travel to other knife makers shops to learn from and we plan to work camp and odd jobs and so on to pay the bills.   And we are home school our kids in a online school so we need Internet and they are all good.

We left our backyard about a week a to before Christmas.  We stayed at a friends place that is a ABS Master Smith and we stayed with them until after Christmas.

Then we moved on to another good friends other in NC and we where there for about a week or so and sadly they had some family pass on both side of there family so we decided it was time to move on to let them have their space.  

So luckily we had another in NC as well blade smith friend we where going to see next anyway and we headed that way.  We get there new years day and stayed for just over a week and hubby had a beautiful chopper camp type knife and I get to learn a little on how to grid a knives. 

I am finding my self in love with knife making myself.  I have always loved metal working of all type my mind I never thought it would be something I would be able to do in my life.  

And that friend tell us about a ABS knife club meeting close to a friend's place close to haywood NC so we head that way to make there the day before the meeting.  We find a RV camp site place for about $20 a night we called and got a spot for that night.  And messaged the friend and it turns out that friend had a teaching job that popped up last minute for sure in a different state.  So here we are still in the park until Monday at noon and no where to go for sure.  We will most likely endup staying in a Walmart parking lot do to the fact unless something happens soon money and credit with runout.   We need to ether sell some knives or find a job to hold us over.  

My husand and I have decided to change our lives!

Hubby, I and the kids have been making some big changes to our lives.   We having downsizing everything we our to fit into a 28 feet RV and we are selling house in Charleston SC.  And we are going to travel around for hubby to learn from other knife makers and work camp and find other work as needed to pay bills.   We are homeschooling our kids through a online school as of right now and we plan on going over to more more homeschooling them later if we need more flexibility because as of right now we will have to go back to SC for testing but we can do that at any school in SC.   

Life as it aways is has been crazy!

Every since school got out my kids have been bugging the crap out of one another to drive the other one nuts…  At ages 11 and 7 they are both hard headed so it makes life nuts here for me!  So the summer has not gone as I was hoping it would and plan it too so I am restless needles to say!


I have been waking up at 3:00am and working out by 4am to 6am before my husband leaves for work.  I run about 1 to 3 miles a day for 5 days a week and work on different muscle groups everyday with weights and I feel good..  But about 8am I find my self  SO SO sleepy and when I fall asleep it does throw my day off a bit!


And on top of things I found out that my pawpaw(grandfather) had a massive heart attack on Facebook(on my cousins page) at 4am one morning and that no one know if he would make it through the night….   I did not know anything more until my mom called me at 9am and told me she was so sorry for not calling me sooner and that she did not want to wake me last night.   He did make it through the night but he was without air for 11minutes...  The doctors found his heart is 95% blocked and they can't help him his lungs have fluid on them and he is in a lot of pain.  Long story short he was sent to his nursing home to die and they give him around a month to live.  And the bad part of the whole thing is I live 3 states away….


Plus I got a new to me car and it needs a radiate system and that will be $650 dollars I don't really have.  I did sell my nikon D7000 and lens for the trip for the funeral and right now we don't know if and or when and I am so scared if use the money for the car that is when things will happen if you know what I mean!  :(  Life is always like this for me and it sucks most of the time.  Thank goodness for my awesome husband who keeps me grounded when I get to the place of "chicken little the sky is felling" and he makes things alright again and I am so thankful for this too!


My mom is sick too…  Nothing big thankfully!  My father inlaw is ill as well no one know what is going on with him doctors have be idea..   My best friends mom who is like a mom to me is fighting breast cancer and she is living with my mom and father inlaw because they BFF's.


Then my middle brother inlaw calls us threatening us over not calling one of his kids and say happy birthday and we told his we called him more than 3 times (and we had proof too) he did not pick up the phone and this when went on for 4 hours calling and texting very mean and bad things to us and he was not stopping all over his own stupidness.  He him self was in jail and done more things to those kids than anyone ever has they have seen him do drugs, hit there mom and her hit him back, both go to jail, he threatening them and there mom to kill them all when he was on VERY HIGH ON drugs sitting in front of the front door with a BIG kitchen knife and cops had to come remove him and countless of big things I know he has done to them and others.  Long story short he is an a$$hole all the way around and the problem is everyone else if you ask him.  I am thinking great just what I need..  A$$hole!!

And we find out my hubbies uncle's cancer is back and that it is going to be a lot of heavy treatment and a big surgery…

And very good friend of mine her husband has had cancer for a few years now and have had a hard road with it and been fighting so hard and it is started to look like he is body is getting tired and she found out she had breast cancer as well…  It looks like for now she has won and cancer lost!

This has been my summer so far…  And now my husband has been talking about how much he can't stay at his job and how much that place hates his soul and making him bitter and hate people..  He wants to just walk out…

Then I find out a friend of mine had a small stroke and he is only 39 thankfully he is ok from what he told me.

Me being who I am I FEEL all of this stuff in my heart all at the same time and trying to keep happy and be a good mother to my 11year old and my 7 year old kiddos is hard somedays…  Some days it is all I can do to just not cry and that is it and be happy for my kids and husband…    I feel like everyone I know and care about is sick and worse..  

I have no idea what to do things are in a when it rains it pours time and I am feeling crazy… Thank goodness for working out and running at least slows my mind down and I get a release a bit!

Got a lot on my mind! :(

Today had been fucking crazy!!   I lot a lot of on my mind!!!  This morning my mother in law texted me this morning to let us my father in law who has been having health issuse for about a 2 years now...  I am so sad for him to I love them both so much they are great in law too and they are family to me.   Well back to the story she texts and tells me he is in the hospital since Wednesday because he had a seizure and felt it he needed to get sick(I was told if you feel that way to get him the the hospital because of a herniated esophagus surgery he had and they told her too do so if her ever felt that way)..   And my his loving husband had been super stressed and over worked at work..   So he flipped out of her because she did not tell her sooner and the only fact she did even said anything to us is because my oldest kiddos Birthday is in less than a week from now and she has no way to do anything for him and she felt bad about that and did not want him to feel sad about that and so on.    And she being who she is she has to get the last word and can not sent one text with everything she sent them to hubby's phone for until he said stop and then again to me for over an hour piece by piece and on and on about why she   did what and why to what ever.. I stopped reading them to tell you the truth and stopped letting hubby see them because it was hurting him so much I felt.    And her had to work today as well on a Saturday so he is still at work do to who knows what is going on with things because of a lot maybe going wrong there!  :(  

  So she tried called him after she did hear something about what to going on with my father in law so she called me and I got a ear full and wow is all I can say too.  Sad and no idea what to say or what is going on because still to many unknowns and no real answer ether.  :(


And after talking more my mother in laws best friend who lives with them and is a the mother of my best friend in high school and love her like a second mother too by the way!!  Found out she had Breast  cancer and has her breast removed... And I am still in shock over this that on one told me this and after I gone off the phone I am in a store to buy burgers to cook for dinner I am in line to pay and I start texting my only mother "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MOMMY!"  because I could not remember the last time I told her that and I talk to her all the time but the last week had been busy for each one and I had to talked to her much so I called her and told her what was on my mind too and that love her so much again!  Talked to my daddy too and had a good talk when I was cooked dinner for my kiddos and he is still my daddy and makes me feel good and loved and smile.  I love that guy even if he still falls short because he is human and makes me mad because of the silly dumb things his does sometimes.   But he is and was an awesome dad to me and love him so much.

And with this all said too.  It had been a crazy week most good but crazy and friday was a day that I wish I could have a hold reset for and all in all...  All I can say I got to much on my mind and feeling stressed over everything and I all I can say is I can understand why people drink a lot all in all and become alcoholics!   I am not one that can and or will ever be one but I understand it right now is all I can say.

Feeling alone in a crowded room and I just want to scream and see if anyone can hear me!!!

This whole month as been off for me.  Have trouble keeping things together and getting every things done as well...   And as the month has moved on it has gotten worse and right now I feel alone standing in a crowded room full of people.  I feel like no one understands me and I was born in the wrong time and place.  On a good note over all I have been about to think clearer and joined a gym so I am losing weight as well, healthier as well, stronger and so on.   I feel like I just need out of my own head again....   I do know right now my other half is driving me nuts he just does not get the whole A.D.D. thing and "tries to help" and makes live hell for me and I am so tired of this right now...  So much so I could just scream and half the time to keep the peace I keep things to my self and talk about dumb stuff that is random really and make so since to people someone else sometime!  And my other half makes that worse too but stressing me out about that too.  And telling me to only talk about things that relate to the monument...    Good luck ass hat then I would never talk at all!!!      So I feel alone and sad right now...  Hubby is going thru some stress at work so he is binging some home from work with him and not meaning to passing it to me in him feeling and the way he talks me right now....   I am sure he was not mean to at all but I feel it right now and I feel like shit all the way around right now!  :(  


Hope this new month brings better things for me!  Sadness has to end for me!!

A.D.D. issues over the summer.... With the kids out of school!

As soon as my kids got out of summer we had to take a trip "back home" to see my mom she had surgery soon and I thought the kiddos needed to see her before then because she would not be able to walk for a while again the surgery!  And ever since then I could not get my head in to things....  and some how the big ideas I had for the summer slipped away from me!  I feel like it went by to fast and on top of this... I felt sad and got nothing done!!!    Not sure if it was seeing my mom and then knowing she was going to have surgery and not being there...  I wish I know really...

I hate you A.D.D. 05/02/13

Last night was late hard for me....   Thanks to my A.D.D.  and things I end up doing because of it in trying to "just get it done" because it is a crap I got to stop this things I am doing and this other things has to get gone today and everything takes me 10x longer that other a "normal person" because of the my attention span is so short in the first place than if I take it in longer it does not make in(my head) and I have to double check everything I do and take longer to do so.  


And with that said now: The hard part is that my husband who is my world and awesome!  He is not an A.D.D. and does not ever get it or I can't find the words to get it out to tell him what the issue is at the time one part of it is he is a over thinker and over explainer like I am at times and for me if it I can't get it out at the moment it is gone because I am off to the next little tiny part of the fussing he is doing.   He calls it talking (what ever) when he is high energized upset man voice that some men get and will not stop to let me get out what I need to and tells me NO!!!! I am talking let me get out what I am saying FIRST yelling(I am pretty sure he has no idea he sounds angry from the very start of these times he needs to talk about important things) and I ether stop listening, get mad, tearing up(not really meaning too it is one of way the I react to angry and hurt for some reason when I feeling something to the point I am about to blow my top and don't want too do so and trying to stay clam), start counting and so on trying to do two things one reminder 100 points to respond to him about the 100,000,000,000,000 points he is over explaining(he does have issues getting things out right too I will say this too and I do know this as well) and still listen to him as he is still going on about too which same idea and not different or new idea of what he is trying to get out he is saying the something with different works that many times.   And then after all that I get mad when the house of cards my mind is most days falls and I get mad and yell at his and fuss at him for something my mind may have remembered being part of what he say....  And then he fusses at me about that and going down the road you are an adult and so on I should be able to talk to you about things that are important... We he is right but night is the worst time for me to "talk" about this the A.D.D. is at it's worst then and I have stop drinking anythings with caffein and other things that keep me mind alert so I can get sleepy.   I have realized it is a better like what doctors call sundowning like an alzheimer's person thank goodness it is not as bad as that but I brain is very gone at the end of the day and if I endup looking for something I just walk around and can't think thru where i put things!   

All in all I think...  Night time is a very bad time to "talk" for me... 

My birthday 04/29/13

I turned 31 and unlike most ladies who have age issues I do not!  Age is but a number and I am proud of mine I earned every minute of it and would not dare hind it ether.  In my mind if it bothers a person I meet or in my life that can take a long walk off a short cliff I don't need that crap in my life.  Life is short and I am A.D.D. as it is lol!   

With this said I move on to the next thought here!  My Amazing Husband took the day off work to spend the day with me!  He asked me what would like to do...  I told him days ago go to the beach but sadly Charleston SC weather being what it is it rained 3 times by 7:30am....  I sat for a minute and my mind  goes blank as empty box and nothing comes to mind.  Hubby tells me it is my day and he want to spend it doing things doing think I want to and not he taking over and me ending up feeling like I did not get to do what I real wanted to..  I tell him way I am drawing a blank here!!  Sorry my love...   He throws a idea or two.  I walk in to the bed room and look around and remember we live in Charleston SC lol if you did not like the weather wait a few minutes it will change or go a few minute in the away and it is different weather there lol!  Coastal weather is crazy I tell you!  It can be flooding one place and nothing 5 miles away.    So I think.... I will grab my swim suit, cover up and towel put it in a bag and walk in the living room and hubby said well how about we start with Breakfast some where we could not normally afford with the kiddo with us.  I said: I don't think about those places lol normally for the reason we could not normally afford with the kiddo lol so I am drawing a blank my dear.  I gets my a idea or two.... I am still thinking here too.   I said ok how about this I got my my swim suit, cover up and towel in a bag and go dress for going out for now and place on breakfast out.  I do that and pretty happy with that too.  He asked me have I thought about more(yes I am REALLY trying to here) yes but nothing is coming to mind here.  But we get in the car with the stuff for the beach anyway and start on the way...  He said Hominy Grill?  Like a light I remember friends have talked about how great they where and that I was told the shrimp and grits there was amazing and go if I ever can!  I look at him a told him OH my goodness YES please!!!!!

WOW it is the best thing I have every eaten too.  

After that we started out for the beach and because the sky looked like it cleared and look good and we get to the beach and yes it was beautiful the sand a bit odd looking and soaked from the hard of the morning but I changed and off the enjoy the beach with no kiddos(I have not gotten to this since I was a kid my self) hubby got out his metal detector  because of two reason he is not really a set on the beach  type like me and he just got a new one and I was happy with this too.  I did not take pic of this because I was try to be in the moment and this is so hard for me to do as well.  But I left everything but what I wanted to hold on too and keep up with on my own!  

Then after that it was about lunch time and we thought about it again.. WHAT TO EAT.. question  So we where off again!  :)   lol All in all it was great day and we did do a lot more things and it is and was at the best day of my life in a super long time and I need that!  I just live in the moment the rest of the day and love it all! I do truly have a great family that loves me whole heartedly!  I am lucky 

Random A.D.D. thought of 04/26/13 I am not!

I am not Broken!  There is nothing "wrong" with me!


Why me?

Why did God(what you believe in) do this to me?

I am Broken?

I Why am I a fuck up?

I could keep going on keeps I have thought about my self and I am 100,000,000,000,000 others have too. This happens to be things that are just in ones head I guess when you are in self pity type of place!

But just a now this comes to mind!


I AM NOT BROKE!
 
I AM A DIFFERENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING.  

GOD(what you believe in) LOVES ME IN SUCH A WAY TO MAKE ME DIFFERENT AND SEE THINGS IN A WAY THAT OTHERS DO NOT!  

MY BRAIN IS DIFFERENT IN A WAY THAT IS GOOD FOR ME AND I AM HAPPY WITH THAT TOO I AM NOT A SHEEP AND NON-UNDERSTANDING PERSON. 

I AM LUCKY IN THE WAY MY MIND WORKS(for me I can see a ton of pierce setting there and see them going to thru and just know just to fix something it is all part of my mind working and going so "fast" as it does). 

I AM NOT A FUCK UP!  :) 

I AM BLESSED WITH A GIFT AND NOT GIVEN A BIRDEN TO LIVE WITH.


I find this for me when I believed the opposite was true and I fight my A.D.D.  I am not a whole person  I don't live my life I just get thru it!  I still have a ton of work to do with my self to get to where I need to and want to by the way but I am working on it and if I fall down a long the way and need to start again I will and that is ok not the end of anything it is just a new road to try or a set back only.   I am also know I am luck in this fact my loved ones(husband and kids and mom and dad) are there to help me and with love, words, hugs and what I need if I remember to one ask and tell them I need it and that it is ok to do so by the way!  lol

Girls Night OUT aka MNO!! And my A.D.D. was in it's full steam a head place! LOL

Well it was not wild and crazy or anything at all!  Just three of us and it was nice really!  


But to say me with my A.D.D. that I decided this week I am just going to stop trying to hind from.  And WOW I will say it is crazy how I feel over all to I feel so much better about my self, energy is coming back and just a feeling of happiness and glad to be alive even if something hurts me(like I fell on the sidewalk yesterday after walking my kids to school and skinned my feet in a small place but not bad) or if something bad happiest to me it is not the end of the world it was to be for me before.   But Over all I am more all of the place and back and forth on a lot of things doing them at the same time.  The odd things is I am getting them 89% to 96% done the greatest part of the time and it is not stressing as it done when I listen to my non-A.D.D.'ed brained husband(I don't mean it in a bad way but when you did not have something you don't full get it really and that is ok to me I just have to remember to tell him more ok thank you dear but that way just does not work for me and move on and let it go lol) and just do one task at a time and work until it is done.  Well for me it is like being in jail to do one thing.  I find my brain runs better and "faster" if it is all ways "moving" on more that one thing I am finding it is less stress and I feel better doing this too.   But husband dear who I love so much he just does not work this way and or(not sure) just can't understand how I can.  But in the time where I seem to have issue and "I can't get it all together" and all the things don't get done like they are right now.  He is right at the time and helps for a short time and I just stay in the place and drive my self nuts and don't get back to my way of doing things that helps me work better as me.   But this is my hardship in life to work off for my self to remember to work on staying in my own best normal place!!  And being good with that and knowing some times good enough is good enough and to let things go.  Oh and my mind slowing down is a bad thing lol I say this because that is when I "over think" the stupidest things too and feel like shit and sad a lot.  


Back to MNO topic lol.  Well the three of us had dinner and it was good food and good time too.   This was I just let my self be my self that  I am in my head out loud and not hind it like I have been.  But I can't help but feel a little like I hope I did not drive them nuts, or put my feet in my own mouth, or upset someone or something like that.  I did have two alcohol drinks and I did not drink much because my mind and tummy could not "do" DRUNK(or out things that slow your mind if you have to much of them) I just end up making my self sick until it is out of my system or it stops impaired me at the least.  So it is no more that two for me at one time and I don't drink very often because for me and that way I am I am more of a coffee person you know.  But all in all I think the night was good anyway.   The other two awesome ladies one to the mother of kid or kids with autism and the other friend that has depression that she is doing well treating right now with work out and diet and seems to be working well for her too(so happy for her too).   So with that say I think things where good it is still hard for me to read people on how they really feel about the things A.D.D. causes in times like that lol..    




On to a topic that do come up last night that I feel I need to add to this post too.   

GMO foods and what we all see happening in people over all!   If you look around at health of people over all..   I am realizing this think about it too.  There is I crazy high % of autism, A.D.D., depression, food birth allergies and things that where in around before they made it ok to feed us the GMO foods with eat..  And % of the food on the shelfs is GMO is some way too if did not know that.   It is hard to be health when your food is causing you DNA to have problems and you my not see it in your self but it is or could be seen in your kids and there kids and so on.    Crazy right!!!   

Hybrids-Genetically Crossing Humans and Animals! 
This is what is posted under the video

Pandora's Box has surely been opened. A dangerous genetic experiment has come out of the shadows, and the human-animal hybrids, chimeras and other transgenic clones it has yielded now threaten to endanger and irrevocably alter life as we know it.

The controllers of elite-funded science and R&D have wantonly tampered with the genetic code of the planet, ignoring the rather obvious dangers posed by cross-species experimentation and flagrantly jeopardizing the earth's delicately-balanced biodiversity.

In a special video, Alex Jones addresses the profound risks posed by genetically-modified hybrids now featuring prominently in the field of biotechnology.
Aaron Dykes & Alex Jones Infowars.com July 27, 2011
http://www.infowars.com/genetic-genoc...
________________________________________­__________
http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAlexJo...

http://www.Infowars.com http://www.prisonplanet.com

SIGN UP FOR A MEMBERSHIP (FULL ACCESS to all files and content on PrisonPlanet.tv) https://prisonplanet.tv/signup.html
________________________________________­_
The Light of the World,Movie(Full Length)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWO_pe...


Over all it is "food for thought" think about it and work out what you believe and do your own research too please! 

Why can't I just be "normal" ? Today's Random A.D.D. thought lol 04/25/13

I feel this all the time and I am sure there is a lot of people like me who do as well...  


Why can't I just be "normal" ?

Or

I just want to be "normal" and life would be so much better!  Right?


It just hit me the answer is "NO" you will never be "normal" and this is something you will have they whole life and so what any way...   And here is why I am OK with this as of right now!

This is the question that popped in to my head...  What is "normal" anyway really?  Stop and take a look around you at the quote un-quote "normal" people...  Me being a people watch like I am I realized this years ago and just put two and two together really....    The state of would people are these days sucks and a bit like sheep and all about me me me and what are you going to do for me and give ME.  And the other thing I realized to is that there is no real "normal" for anyone we all just act a way because we are told to that this is what you do and it is "normal" and or you grow up that way.   Tell me if you gave a new born that is Mexican and a family from china has them and they are raised like they would if the kiddo was chinese other that the way the person looked any would "grow up" as a chinese kid and think like that and chinese person and this is because they would be environmentally in all reality but yes by birth they would be of Mexican decent.  But thoughts, brain mapping and everything that comes with being raised chinese the kid would be chinese and of Mexican decent. Think about it...  And then think about what that means in the start of what I started talking about in the first place...

   "Normal", "normal", "normal", "normal" What is that?  Answer: It is a state of mind only!!  Your "normal" is your own "normal" and someone else's is there "normal" no two are a like we just try and pretend there is one type of "normal" and that is what is wrong with the USA in my mind anyway!  But   as just popped to mind like in the movie The Matrex and I found the quote here:

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth. 

Neo: What truth? 

Spoon boy: There is no spoon.

Neo: There is no spoon?

Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself. 




I take that in this case when you realize this that "normal" is a state of mind and on two are a like and you have to work thru and find your only "normal" and it will change as you do and that is OK and fine too.  There is nothing wrong with you at all.  The problem is with the stupid sheep out there that don't take the time to be understanding or take the time to think pass the front side of there forehead(lol see is you get that one lol).   All in all "There is nothing wrong with you at all." you just need to work thru and learn to manage your A.D.D. issues and symptoms the way that works best for you!  There is no one size fits all in life for anything you will and may have to "kiss a lot of frogs" to find your path to your state of "normal" and happens in life!  


Well it is food for thought anyway I think!  

Random A.D.D. thought popped it my head! :P

When my mom stopped the A.D.D. meds(end of 6th grade) and then about the time school got really hard around 7th, 8th or 9th (can't really reminder right now clearly) I started drinking coffee and smoking and my symptoms where not as bad and really caused problems for me.   I stopped smoking with the birth of my youngest kid 6 years ago and they started slow coming back and I felt just crazy and I am just now realized what really is going on here again because I had a very long time of a longer  % and amount of relief from them.    And video I watch yesterday talked about nicotine was showing signs and be studied for help and relief of the issue of A.D.D... I would say please don't go start smoking that is bad I am glad I stopped and fight to stay that way too even after 6years and 4 months( if I put the through in to it I could tell the day too).    



I am just started form now to help my self thru this as use non medical way of treating it.  And we will see what happens I may end up under doctors care to shut up my husband that is a really physical problem and not me asking this to "take the easy way out of" what ever the hell he thinks it is I am take the easy way out of.

Tanya Starr Wood

04/24/13 Random A.D.D. thought/issue of the day and night before?!

Why is it when I want to say something to my husband and I have it right in my head and the way I want to say things the way it "should be" said it comes out all wrong and and we end up fighting over something and we end up in left field somewhere and I have said nothing close to what I started out to said....  And end up more frustrated that when I started and just end up feeling like why do I bother even "trying" in the first place.  


My husband is not A.D.D. and even as amazing is his is to me and how much he loves and helps me over all.  He drives me up the wall just as much too.

He just does not get it and just "thinks" he know where I am going with something and when I stop for a minute to get my thoughts together(I forget to state wait I am getting my thoughts together mind you) he thinks I am going some where I am not and I just stop what I am really thinking and lose it on him and the "crazy girl" side of my brain takes over.  I end up crying and mad and the one that is wrong with everything.  So I just end up more up set that before and choke down things because it is "time to move on" and go to bed and something else like that.  All in all I am in a state of feeling crazy, stupid, and why do I bother at all most of the time.  Then when I stop trying to talk to him and just do what I have to to just get thru the day so I can do it all again the next day to get thru and repeat and so on.  He thinks there is something wrong with me like I am sick, I am crazy, once he even told me he thought I was going in the early menopause(WTF!! Right? I was 29 at the time really are you kidding), that I need to see if something is really wrong with me...  Well there is it is call him and the way we end up trying to talk about things and I end up feeling wrong all the time because I can't get it together and get my thoughts out clearly the way I want to need to and because my mind moves one differently and slower on somethings I also end up getting told I am "not letting things go and I am keeping on" so again I am the one in the wrong again...   and the whole time in my head I am screaming and "yelling stop this" this is not where I want to go with this and I will say it to him and I am the one that just wants to fight and start shit just before bed because I can't go to bed or something like that I can't place word for word right now but I am sure you get it.....  I then I say again "No this is not where I want to go with this at all" and he just looks at me like I have three heads or less crazy looking times like he just does not get it it or believe me....

So that cause more issues for me and I have times and days like today! I end up feeling like a very shitty person after a fight I do not or did not want or even mean to start and ended up not getting my quick little "what do you think" thought out at all and just feel like what is the point in even trying.  I am a sucky person who is so worthless, useless, A big waste of space on this earth, and end up feeling self hate and then I can tell you I will keep doing somethings that just have to get done in my life like cooking, cleaning, my amazing kids and other day to day things a mom does and try to "just be happy" and what ends up happening is that  "just be happy" really ends up I check out from all of the world outside of the things that just get me thru the day to get thru the next and so on and so on to get things off my mind so I can put everything out and I don't go do anything outside of the have to need to get mad and then just got to go do something or I will go nuts!!  And what really ends up going on is over all I don't just check out and do this like most people do the a short time for a few day that turn in to months and some cases with me years for me.  And it starts the cycle from him of "Then I stop trying to talk to him and just do what I have to to just get thru the day so I can do it all again the next day to get thru and repeat and so on(some time I even just stop trying all together to tell you the truth).  He thinks there is something wrong with me.." and this is the main cycle of what happens over the time I have been married and with my amazing husband.

With all of that is say too.  I love his so much it hurts and could and would not live with out him ever!  He is the love of my life and along with my kids the realized for breathing and getting up in the morning.  

But in the times like this I feel like shit and like I am standing here at a crossroads..   I feel like I am a fuck up like I did in school which was the hardest time of my live and hated.  So what do I do try to make the improvements to the way I have been acting and doing like hubby ends up (he will tell me he is talking to me but it is more like telling me in my mind like a kid) or do I just check out more...  and if I do that hubby gets mad and feels like he is walking around on eggshells and I will say I am feel sorry for him I know it is so hard on him too.

But I am feel at a lose of what to do with my self over any of it really.  At the time a great deal of the time in the moment I do not realize all of the things I have put out here in this post.  But Right now in this time where I brain has been "unplugged" from a lot of tv and internet mindless checking stuff I do I am at a time I am thinking clearer for the most part and it is like I can see my self from the out out side looking in a little.  Mornings have been better for me lately I think the clearest really by the end of the day I am getting tired and the first thing to go is my brain it feels like and after that nothing is coming out right at all...  and for me that is about the time of day hubby gets home and things start good for the most part but he has a very highly computer driving technically driven job and he needs to un-wind and I get that I do really.  And then I am needing so start dinner, kids are home, time for home work, make sure they get clean and ready for school the next day, I am getting more tired brained(and like my dyslexia for me the A.D.D. gets worse the more tired and or stressed I am and it does not have to be big stress it is the lot of little type adding up that seems to be worse for me) by this time and when hubby is in his un-winding time as I feel he has a right to do and I do understand him needing as well.  I take the stress on my self of "doing it all by my self" to give him what he needs and should have at the same time I let it hurt and cause me problems because that is all I know and don't want and feel I should not burden him with anymore that he is already taken on be the only one being on money working and paying for everything as a family unit.


So again with all of that said... I am changing to I different part of my tough train here because I am setting here crying over this because it all really does weight on my heart a lot all at the same time...  I need to stop crying so I do not cause my self to get sick on top of everything I have as well asthma by the way and anytime my sinus get a lot of mucus/sinus pressure I end up with ear of sinus infections and a cycle of asthma and sinus related issues..

And sadly like the A.D.D. some people around me in my life are sure that I am just crazy of is all just in  my own head and just need to suck it up and that I am need to just get over it and out of the house more "take better care of my self" like I am some pour dumb ass what is not trying to do that at all.

 But with that say too. Not where I was trying go with my thoughts ether....  I am just going to start post  as I think it and and type it as I go and hope it makes some sense to someone I am so tried of typing out thoughts and deleting them because it is not 100% of even %60 on topic.   I lose a lot of my thought that way and feel like what is the point..   For me reading is just FUCKING HARD and as well as typing things out and has not gotten easier at the doctors told me it would as I get older.  And all anyone helpful words are "Well oh: You are just going to have to work and try harder then..."  like I am sitting here bing lazy with my finger in my ear and as it is I am try really hard....  But REALLY I don't see you ass putting in a 3rd of that so type of effert I have to just "be normal" and you say this to like you understand any of what it is like to have my problems....  Some things are just hard for me and no mater what I do...  I do get it everyone has issues a lot like I do in smaller way I am sure and yes as people tell me... We all have this it is normal an so on... the true fact to for me is my brain is not all normal I am really smart and understand more than anyone will ever know.... Deep Breath...   to calm down...   I will say I work so hard to "just be normal" that no one really one knows all of me I feel and 99% of people see very little of my issues that are my own to deal with... not even my husband realize how much and or what I am really internalizing here to be like everyone else and "just be normal".  


One I have been told all of life from birth the following things form doctors, loved ones, people who where are supposed to teach me and or have guidance to help me and the following things have been said to my face:

You are lazy,

You are not trying,

You are stupid,

Why can't you spell that word it is simple(if I could pull in out of my head right now would I be asking you really think about that here... No I am do this to just fuck with you...NOT),

You are crazy,

There is something wrong with you, just be normal(like i want to have the issues and like it or something.. REALLY and you kidding me),

There is nothing wrong with you and get over it,

Just do it and get in over with the only thing wrong with you is in your lazy,

You are not trying,

Stop being stupid(why anyone would ever say this to anyone is beyond me really but yes an adult say this to me as a child this one really hurt to),

A non-said thing that I still get all the time the eye roll and looking at me like I have three head and stupid with I need to ask how do you spell and or could you spell ____ thing for me.(to not show how it really makes me feel I make a joke of blame it in something silly like I am having a day and my brain is fried...),

Why should I have to remind you about this you are a adult and grow up(things slip my mind so much and so bad if I don't do or something thing when I think it.. It is gone for forget and then when I get someone saying this to me...  I just act like and say "oh ok sorry haha got busy and forgot and act dumb about it  all the way around when I am thinking I am so fucking stupid and when they get mad I ether act like I am stupid or if it is not let go then I start getting short and end up fussing with them),

Grow up,

Act your age you are a grown adult here,

and too many things to recall right now with out letting "it" get to me... and crying about how it hurt or hurts me.

But to be able to get this all out in a post and out of my head because I have choked down/ back this and so much my whole life and just internalizing everything because it is what everyone seems to want me to do when I was a kid so that is how I learned to be and am now...   I am just letting it all out how I am thinking it and try to only fix miss spelled works and little typos my brain see and basic grammar is the word I am looking for here(not sure off the top of my head right now ok).  I am sure I sound really crazy and I am a little at this point I feel it is like word vomit and if I just stop or hold it in anymore I am going to lose me mind and have a breakdown..    So I am typing this out for me in a rare time of clarity I am in right now and Thank You if you are still reading this lol I am sure it has not one been easy or if anyone will ever understand the post in the first place.  

But I think with all of this choked down/ back and just internalizing everything is cause a lot of things staying on my mind, most placed angry and seems to lead to me being in "crazy land" as I call it and with all that like a computer hard drive that gets full of stuff and it can't go any where and so it stays there and operation system starts having problems.  That is where I am right now well that is what it feels like anyway..   I will I could tell all of this to my husband but with me when I let things out truly let them out like this they don't weight on my heart and mind anymore and like a bird they are gone in to the sky free.  This is one reason I am even on to post it on my blog and not keep it as a draft of just delete it after I am done here typing.


 With at said I am turning 31 on 29th of april and my wish for this year of my life is this to just be let people see me for everything that I am good or bad.  "let my freak flag fly" as is where..  And be the me out side my head in person that I am inside.  I feel the need to "match" and be all me I can't live this way anymore.


I am so tired of feeling like the fuck up and like shit and I tell you it is hard to have a thicker skin when so much  you hold in and think and bet you self up so much for everything I thinking that is my biggest problem all in all.  It might even be why "I can't keep it together" lately and coming done and having the issue and problems in my life lately.   Feel like I can not think strait at all and can't "find a footing" in life and breath some times(lol I have asthma but not like that type lol more like the feeling not like the medical way lol) and I scream so loud in my head I am now deafened in "my minds ears".   I feel like just saying fuck life and not getting out of bed..    But I know I can't do this and would never really want to because I know that is now the asker!  


I saw I tattoo in pinterest that said this and it is so right too.

Oh and on the that topic a set if word that have been getting me throw lately is this and I want them tattooed in my wrist to help me to not be afraid/ fear my journey of "With at said I am turning 31 on 29th of april and my wish for this year of my life is this to just be let people see me for everything that I am good or bad.  "let my freak flag fly" as is where..  And be the me out side my head in person that I am inside.  I feel the need to "match" and be all me I can't live this way anymore." I am am on this coming year of live.  I want to get where I "feel" I should be in life and in like I am sad for what I did not or could not do for what ever reason there was at the time or just from fear of what ever it is!

The quote is:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

• Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. 

The tattoo I want is this well one like it but closer and just under my hand. 

I feel like all in all it is a good reminder in my wish for journey I want for my self this year!  I think I NEED some that is with me for the reason of my life to be a good reminder of fear even the little stupid things I let stop me from doing more than I ever should.   I know it will hurt and everything that comes with tattooing something to the skin but this is worth it to me.  I want it with all that I am and being I feel I need this reminder more that I know I how to put in to words here. 

LOL the end of this one I need to get on with my day now that what is weighting on me today is gone. I feel 100,000,000,000,000 pounds liter lol. 

Tanya Starr Wood

PS: Thank You for reading this if you got this far lol and can understand this I am not going back to re-read this or I might just delete it...  And I know the trip thru my head and words are not an easy one here.   But I again this is not put out there for anyone other than my self and I hope my crazy random ramblings here help someone at least one then it was worth the time to post it even more than just for my self and own piece of mind if you know what I mean.  I wish people would realize there words hurt even if they are coming from a place of think of helping and not everyone "fits" in the normal mold in a great % of people and that some people are just different and work and brains are just different and work in a way you will most likely never understand unless you are the same way your self.  There is a big difference in how you brain works and no amount is just ____ will help it is talk Attention Deficit Disorder for a reason but it is more that a mind problem physical parts to it and the person or meds can really change and you will still just have to deal with it and will be dealing with the issues one way or a other for there whole life in matter what and no matter how bad they just want to be "normal" and or like "everyone else" like the world tells you should be.   Food for thought anyway I think wanted to leave you with that.  Please learn to understand something and not ASS-U-ME oh it is ____ and what ever it is. Learn and try to go to people around you with understanding and a open mind in two issues problem of any type and the same.

GÖT2B POWDER’FUL

I got a Campaign from bzz agent  and I can't wait to try it.  My hair could use some volume and I love trying new hair things!! Here somethings that the Campaign page said!!

Women know — fine hair isn’t all that fine when it’s falling flat. And almost every hair type could benefit from some texture and lift. Thankfully, göt2b POWDER’ful was created with your hair’s best interests in mind. The innovative volumizing styling powder instantly takes hair to new heights, delivering pronounced volume, radical root lift, amazing texture and flexible control. All in just 10 seconds!

Formulated with virtually weightless micro-particles, this salon-quality powder texturizes the surface of your hair, creating maximum volume at your roots. There’s no powdery residue or stiffness, just the freedom to create modern, edgy ‘dos with an undeniable wow factor. Apply anytime, anywhere for an immediate transformation. Hello, hair envy!

 

Here is what I got from göt2b web page!

                                                    10 seconds 2 volume!

• 

  volumizing STYLING POWDER

  Take your volume to new heights with göt2b POWDER’ful volumizing STYLING POWDER. This is the latest cool find to instantly volumize your hair. And guess what, it’s a powder! What got2b volumizing STYLING POWDER does is so cool, you have never seen anything like it. It’s so easy to have amazing volume in an instant with no tools needed. The revolutionary weightless formula texturizes each hair strand to create maximum volume- in an instant!
  
  POWDER’ful: Shake a small amount into your palm and rub your hands together. You’ll see the powder disappear but you’ll still feel it on your hands. Distribute into dry hair, focusing on the roots for an instant root boost and volume.

  X-tra tip: For an even bigger volume boost, shake the powder directly into your hair, using your fingers to work it in and create big volumized styles.

  
  

  
  

  All in all I have not gotten a chance to try it but I can't wait too and will do a new post with pictures after I do!  :)  Thanks bzz agent  :) 

Children’s Claritin® and www.bzzagent.com has done a campaign!

UP TO 4 OUT OF 10 SCHOOL CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED BY ALLERGIES

So it’s really no surprise that every year, two million school days are missed due to seasonal allergies and indoor allergens such as dust, mold and pet dander. Furthermore, the effects of allergies can be much more significant than a lost day of school:

• Symptoms during the day can impede focus
• Symptoms at night can cause sleep loss and lead to daytime drowsiness

Fortunately, non-drowsy anti-histamines like Children’s Claritin^® Grape Chewables can help provide all-day relief from runny noses, itchy, watery eyes and other allergy symptoms.

POWERFUL ALL-DAY RELIEF

Children’s Claritin^® is the only over-the-counter children’s brand that provides powerful 24 hour relief for a child’s worst seasonal and indoor allergy symptoms, without making them jittery or drowsy.¹ What’s more, it’s the #1 Pediatrician Recommended Non-Drowsy Brand! Here’s how the product has helped one family:

“My now 6 year old has seasonal allergies. What a relief it is to have Children's Claritin Chewables for her to take. No fighting to take her medicine because it tastes good. Her allergy symptoms are controlled and she likes taking the Claritin. Thank you for a great product!” - BzzAgent Aviatrix18

To learn more about managing your child’s allergies, visitclaritin.com.

¹ Among leading OTC brands

This is what I page bzzagent page said and I wanted to share it!  

I used it with my 6 year old girl and she has been fussy, sleepy, mad and angry and so on and had beed coughing off and on too.  I thought it was just a part of her age thing.   I got the sample and started her on it and I got to say WOW she is a whole different kid.   She is happier, sweeter and my helpful kid again!  I am so happy with her change.  She is doing so much better all the way around.  

My 10 year old son Claritin works but for him it does not help all of his problems with allergies so it was not the good fit for him.  

I love being a apart of bzz agent and have loved the things I have gotten to try because to them!  They is my own findings!